This adage is nothing new. But here it is with new meaning for me. Once, in 2010 I set my intention for the year to be the “Year of Courageous Acts”. That was the year I asked my friend if he liked me and why we weren’t dating (we are now married LOL), the year I shifted some words around on my resume and made a case for a career change, the year I traveled almost every week for two months for poetry related things. The year I cut off my 5-year-old locks, which had grown down to my waist. All of these things I thought were freeing me. One of these things is decidedly not like the other.
This year, 2017, I made an important decision, a decision that I have wanted to make but one that scared the life out of me: I would be leaving full time work. The thing I thought I needed to do 7 years ago is the thing that is holding me back.
I think we all knew it was coming but I couldn’t quite see it. I was too busy running from one place to the next, too busy trying to solve this problem with the new problem. I am very persuasive and so of course I convinced even myself that it wasn’t the right time yet, that I didn’t have xyz yet, and perhaps–perhaps the extra time and yearning made me make different moves and gather new and useful resources. Certainly it has allowed me to store up some savings. But mostly, delaying listening to my heart, or staying some place well beyond your limit, has shown me that anxiety can and will manifest itself physically. Most exciting about this move is that I am ready to get my body back. & explore and write and live.
I’ll spare you the agonizing questions, though I’m sure you know them all. Instead of wallowing in it, I am choosing to lean on my 10 years NYC suaveness and believe that what will be will be. What is meant for me will come. I’ll be on the look out for that as of July 1 and let you know what I find or what finds me.
Thankfully I have a husband who supports me, who has in fact encouraged this move well before I believed it myself.
This picture is a picture of when I cut my locks in 2010. I’ve been feeling the urge to do something(s) scary, life-fulfilling, edgy, different. I want to see the world differently. I want to see myself differently. I want to live and love with you all, differently. All of these things can’t happen with the way my life had been set up: constantly grinding and climbing a professional full-time ladder (no shade to folks who do it, but I realized I was not living my authentic self)…in search of what? security? happiness? some semblance of self-worth against an environment that demands you make yourself smaller, quieter, and–maybe it’s a black woman thing?–less assertive and aggressive in order to “fit in”?
I was going to wait until the “next thing” showed up, so that I could prepare a post that says: I’m leaving and on to the next, but then that would be a disservice to this beautiful, uncomfortable, peaceful moment in which I find myself: not sure what is out there for me, but knowing there is a horizon, with sun, and that is certainly the direction in which I am moving.
Here’s to…..well, I don’t know. I am OK with that. Let’s hang out this summer? & beyond.